Let's talk about Intimacy

'Intimacy, a situation in which you have a sexual relationship with someone' (Cambridge dictionary)
But it may also be a non-sexual relationship involving family, friends, or acquaintances (Wikipedia)
Still, the latter was not the meaning of a recent conversation which triggered me to write this post.

In September 2017 I wrote about 'Men and My Checklist (post with a wink)'  based on the well meant advise from people to look for a new relationship,
By now the majority of people accepted that I prefer to live on my own but a very few still think that my life would be so much better if I had a partner again, someone to share my life with, to cuddle up with on the sofa or in bed.
To go out with, to talk to, to kiss and hug and all other things that come with intimacy in a relationship / marriage.
The big question of these kind and gentle hearted souls is: "Don't you miss intimacy?" Meaning a sexual relationship.

Do I need to think long and deep before I answer? No! Because, what is intimacy to me? How do I feel, experience and treat it?
Intimacy to me is that deep borderless connection I have with the one I love and trust. And for him (I am an incurable heterosexual) this will feel the same. That special level of interacting, translated in a touch, kiss, smile, laugh, tear, making love (with or without exciting sex) or even an argument to keep things lively.
And what is the meaning of a long term sexual relationship without this intimacy? For me any form of a sexual relationship needs some intimacy. I am not the 'one night stand with a stranger' woman, I need more, a 'foreplay' of getting to know someone. His character, smell, likes and dislikes. And a wicked sense of humour. And let's not forget his build: tall, broad shoulders.... (see my wish list ;-))

Seriously, I might be very old fashioned or to some even boring but I still have my taste and values.
So, do I miss intimacy..... no. For the very simple reason that there isn't someone I love like I described before. No one to share this intimacy with. In my opinion I will only miss it when it is connected to the person I love to be intimate with and that person is simply not there. At least, I don't know him.

Freedom is not only living in a free country. Freedom is the precious condition of being who you are. Not pretending, just the basic you who creates from this base a free happy life. Free in your head and heart. If you live this life with the one you love so deeply, this is the most wonderful thing there is for you. Though for me and for many others, freedom also means living on your own, no strings.
Like someone once mentioned "Yes, I am a free spirit. Maybe too free but I want to be able to change".
I say: "Yes, I am a free spirit. Maybe too free but I do not want to change again".

Dear readers, my life changed too often. I am now at a point in life and at a place in this world that I feel free and happy. I do not want to change again. I want to stay put with myself.
Am I an egocentric person to say I do not want to share anymore?

Photo: Ike Roelfsema Photography

I like to believe I am not. And my close friends know I am not; intimacy as in friendship is important to me, it is rare and valuable. As it will be to many of you.



To those lovely people who still can't believe I am happy on my own, living  a fulfilling life, enjoying living with my animals in my little cottage so close to the beautiful sea, making long walks with my camera, absorbing solitude and nature, listening to the wind, tasting the rain, feeling the sun, spending time with dear friends, enjoying a good meal in the local Pub (the 'single' list is endless...): please accept this is my free will. I know you only wish me well and your intentions come straight from you heart but stop trying convincing me....  After all my credo is 'Fortis et Liber' (Free ánd Strong).

Change of subject....... ;-)

Lots of love,

Helen xx

Let's talk about Value

Value, a small word of great importance.
It is attached to, in my humble opinion, everything in life. Nature, people, emotions, you name it.
Ah yes, value of money and objects but I do not want to go there. Apart from the money you need for a basic life, money can be a burden, too much and you lose the feeling for real values....
Objects? Nice, enjoy them but enjoy above all the simple side of them, not what they are worth in money.

Maybe I am the incurable optimist but even when life is less attractive, I always find value in little things. Of course, I am blessed with a good health but also know the down side of e.g. fighting Cancer. Even that added more value to my life.
And value in friendships, relationships. Only a very, very few friendships remain which is good, you can not hold on to or depend on others all your life. Or being dependent of what others think of you. Fifty different people have fifty different opinions of you. Let go, be you.  After all you are the base of your own life and from this base you develop and become stronger.
You need to be able to rely on your own base, it lasts until you very last day, broaden it and secure it.... with values.

November is a month where value speaks more often to me. It is a month in which I lost people - who played an important role in my life - through death. Each in their own way; with much love or far less love.
I miss my mother who passed away 11 years ago this month. Maybe it has to do with age but the more people mention I look like her, the more I miss her and getting older I also see the similarities in look more and more. And I am proud of it!

When life is hectic or when my brains are too occupied, I wonder which advice my mother would have given and realize how valuable it is to have had a mother like her. No, she was not a saint, she was a real human being, strict with a touch of stubbornness. But above all loving, sincere and honest.
She taught me the value of all living creatures, the seasons, the basic things and love. That ever so complicated but also simple love of opening your heart to receive and return love. The value of vulnerability of love.
Which on its own, allows you to know the value of grief. You can not grief when you do not know love and the other way round. Yes, love can hurt, so can grief. But grief can heal, so can love.

Everyone inherits good and bad things from both parents, grandparents and so on. Add life experience on top of that and you become that one and only unique you. Value the freedom of being unique and use it to become rich. No, not 'rich as in money' but rich as in being able to make your own choices. To discard what does not make you happy and let grow what does make you happy.
Learn the value of positive energy and stop spending energy on things you can not change or that do not make you happy.

Photo: Ike Roelfsema Photography ©

Learn the value of opening your eyes to see beyond what is immediately in front of you. The value of learning, taking on new things, challenging yourself which level you can reach. The value of expanding your world with new things, this can even be in a small radius around you.
Learn the value of colours, even when it is black and white because there are so many gradations in between!
Or the value of music, even when you can not hear it. Though you can feel it, through your fingers, in your body, your heart. Music is not only the sound of instruments, it can be a voice, a word, the wind, the sun.

Last but not least, learn the value of making mistakes. Without you don't grow.
If a decision you made turned out to be a mistake, do not feel sorry, it happens, it is part of life. Avoid doing it twice but do not feel shame. After all you are very human, how valuable is that!


Love,

Helen

Men and My Checklist (post with a wink)

Men.... 3 letters for a large group of human beings.
Women... 2 letters more for human beings, part of much larger group, the latter may be the explanation for the two extra letters.

Statistically the age expectation for women is higher than for men; not only in The Netherlands but world wide: "A new study finds that it's behaviour, not biology, that's responsible for the growing gap in the mortality rates of men vs. women all over the world" according an article on Shape.com
I am not going deeper into this, you can read the article yourself.

So why do I start my post of today with this opening?
Yesterday evening I had a lovely and sometimes hilarious phone call with a dear friend who I know since 1992. Friend (divorced) and I (widow) share a few adventures like someone (a tall and handsome man) pointing a double-barrelled shotgun at us. Will post this as a story in my 'Helen Varras' Story Book' one day.
Many common memories and many future expectations we like to dwell on.

One thing we talked about yesterday evening was a quote of several well hearted  people who only wish us good: "Isn't it time for a new relationship?" (As if it is easy the choose from all the men queuing up on our doorsteps.....).
Although we disagreed about looks (a relief ;-)), we agreed about our wish list (or checklist) growing while we age. Not a surprise; when you are young, you have less experience in life and grow together in a mutual future. But the older you get, the more experienced you are, the longer your wish list.
You learned what you don't and do like. And if you think that looks are less important, you are wrong.

And then the question raised, shall he be older or younger?
Younger is often better looking, in better shape but younger is very seldom looking for older although more common in this modern world.
And if a younger man  is looking for an older woman, older has often money. One other thing we agreed on, friend and I, that we definitely do not want a Toy Boy!

Older? Are we ready to push wheelchairs and change nappies? Eeeehhhmmm, we are when it happens in the relationship but rather not on forehand (talking about very old men now, not about disabilities!).
No offend to very old men, we are well aware that we might reach that stage in life too but hopefully not in 30 years time.

I think that this list also has to do with being more independent but that might also be the case for younger people who live on their own for quite some time, curious to your feedback.
The need for a partner is less urgent. Of course intimacy is wonderful but that is not the most important part of a relationship any more. It completes a relationship but other things are also important.
Saying this should mean a shorter wish list instead of a longer but no.

The 10 years I lived alone between my divorce and my second marriage, my brother, very concerned, once told me: "You will never find someone else, you are too picky; either a man's ears are too small (or too big), he is too dull or too active, does not like reading books or is married to the cinema. Or he is under 6ft 2" (appr. 185 cm.)."  And here my brother has a point: I love a tall man because I love to cuddle under someone's chin and not with someone under my chin. But this is personal ...

After the phone call of at least two hours, my friend asked me if I would sleep well and not recalling we talked about. I slept very well but the subject was back when I woke up and now, after the usual house keeping chores, I sat down and made for the very first time in my life, a visible wish list.
Rather call it a checklist, a YES and NO list. And I am more than happy to share this list with you.

I have not decided yet if the fact that the NO list is shorter than the YES list, is a positive outcome ;-)

There is one thing that is not on the list: older or younger.
Younger: statistically yes. Achievable: challenging. Realistically: I leave this to my readers....

Conclusion: we don't choose voluntary for much older men, younger men don't look for older women and the really nice and huggable modern men these days, are in a relationship or gay. Sigh....

Helen